[Advanced] How to Be a Good Listener (1)

Can you listen without getting in the way?
Do you know whether or not you are a good listener? If so, then listen up: According to experts, there can be huge value in just letting someone vent without offering advice on how to fix the problem.

"I call this 'no-solution listening,'" said Michael Rooni, author of the book "Attractive Communication." "Sometimes people simply want to release hurtful emotions and get something off their chest. And for them communication is not necessarily about having their husband or wife or co-worker come up with a solution. They just want to be heard and want to be understood because they're hurting inside. "

Don't fix it.
Although not coming up with a solution might be the best solution, listening without fixing can be very difficult for some people, said clinical psychologist Christine Costello.

"When you have an emotional attachment to the outcome, it's very hard to do this," Costello said. "When someone is working really hard to just understand what the other person is saying before they jump in and add anything, this can be difficult. ... I have adult children and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut because they're adults — I have more experience than they do and I do have something to offer, but I'm restraining myself because that may not be what they want."

Costello said people who are self-absorbed or narcissistic also will have trouble listening without offering advice.

"They tend to assume that they know everything or that it's all about them,"

"The narcissists are viewing the communication world through their own lenses," Rooni agreed. "They think 'If I were them, what would I want? I would want someone to itemize things and give me a solution.'"


Notes and Vocabulary
vent v.
express feelings: give vent to sth: to express a negative emotion in a forceful and often unfair way;
to express (an emotion) usually in a loud or angry manner [+ obj]

narcissistic adj.
/ˌnɑɚsəˈsɪstɪk/
someone who has too much admiration for themselves



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